Medicine for “Mind Mess”: Meditation

A few years ago, I was fed up with my mental suffering and decided to begin observing my thoughts and paying close attention to every idea, comment or opinion that popped into my mind. It did not matter if the idea was one I perceived to be worthy of self-observation, or in my eyes at the time, simply insignificant. I went into this process acknowledging that each thought created my reality, regardless how fleeting or redundant. This was one of my most enlightening personal projects, and I learned some shocking things about myself.

First, I realized that most of my thoughts were not positively contributing to my consciousness, because I was living in a state of unconsciousness. I did not take notice of the sun’s radiance, nor did I live each action with full intention. Instead, I was a robot, running through the motions of my life and living within the confines of a selfish, drill sergeant mind. I had always considered myself to be a caring person, but to my surprise, my thoughts pointed in a different direction.

My entire day was about me and what I had to do. “Crystal, you have to wash the dishes, you have to go by the bank, don’t forget about your paper for your English class, and on and on and on.” I had thoughts about how bad traffic was for ME, how tired I was, or how MY schedule was interrupted by unimportant tasks. I was a MIND MESS, living in a whirlwind of selfish negativity and constantly stressed about what I had to do and also burdened by all of the things I did not do. It was no wonder these racing thoughts pushed me into daily panic attacks and depression. I HAD to find a way to separate Crystal from Crystal’s thoughts.

After a weeks of “watching my thoughts” (thanks Eckhart Tolle), I decided to go deeper and train my mind to think less and consciously choose the thoughts I allowed to enter my personal thinking space (screening, if you will). I was excited to see how this would transform my life. I began to pay more attention to what I was actually doing throughout my day, allowing my physical senses to consume me. I took notice of the sounds, smells, and sensations of touch. At work, I actually focused on typing, instead of letting my mind take me somewhere else. I found pleasure in little things like the physical process of writing or the feeling of each muscle that came to life when I exercised. I found that I could make anything a meditation (or a focus). Living in the moment and focusing on it transported me to freedom…I was no longer a prisoner of my own mind.

The thoughts I chose to have were about other people. I removed the “I” in my personal dialogue and replaced it with “you”. “How can I make you happy? How are you feeling today? I want to make you smile.” I must say, I did not completely neglect my personal affairs, as they are also strongly tied to others. I began to make lists of things I needed to do each day. I would keep the list with me and reference it when necessary. This allowed me the leisure of not having to run a mental check list of all I needed to do on a daily basis, which distracted me from the present moment and the beauty in life. I would simply write down what I needed to do and mentally drop it. Writing a daily list freed up a lot of mental space and reenergized me. I had more energy to focus on the task at hand, more opportunity to consider others and the ability to find pleasure in everything, regardless how small.

Next, I decided to go deeper and explore the many facets of meditation. Instead of performing a more physical activity which helped me focus and quite the mind (like yoga or typing), I wanted to simply be still and listen to the silence. This was much more challenging and required a lot of mind training. I met a Buddhist monk and meditated with him weekly. We would devote 30 minutes to simply sitting still and observe our breathing. I found it to be really ironic that when I was still and quite, my mind wanted to jump around. I would have the most random and bizarre thoughts…many of them made me laugh. After about 5 minutes of my mind playing a mental clinging game, it would slowly calm down and I directed my focus to my breath, counting, or a visualization. My favorite visualization consisted of the following. I would see myself inhaling a bright white light directly into my heart. I would exhale a thick black smoke (my negativity or stress). With each inhalation, the light would spread throughout my body consuming every part of me. I was then full of light and on the verge of it pressing through my skin and into my entire environment. I found this meditation to be very rewarding.

Finally, after months of weekly meditation, whether thorough something task-oriented or simply finding stillness and focusing on a visualization, I decided to take my practice one step further: deep mediation and accessing the state of Theta. This cracked my mind open! Forgotten memories from my childhood even resurfaced. Explaining my experience in this state of deep mediation is fruitless. I suppose the best way to describe it is a feeling of oneness with all there is, a feeling of complete peace. Hands down, there is nothing like it.

Meditation truly saved my life. I was losing myself more and more everyday in my negative and crippling thought processes. If you are interested in giving this a try, I recommend that you begin with mental observation and then quiet the mind through physical activities (yoga, running, cleaning, cooking, etc.). Remember when you do think, do so with intention (mainly about others). Next, find a meditation practice that works for you when you are still (this could be counting, focusing on your breath, feeling your body from within, a visualization, etc.). You really just need to find something that helps you focus, relax, and eliminate racing thoughts. Once you do this, I PROMISE you that the self-discovery is endless, the benefit unmatched, and you will be a happier and more fulfilled person because of it.

In Peace and Love,
Crystal