Medicine for “Mind Mess”: Meditation

A few years ago, I was fed up with my mental suffering and decided to begin observing my thoughts and paying close attention to every idea, comment or opinion that popped into my mind. It did not matter if the idea was one I perceived to be worthy of self-observation, or in my eyes at the time, simply insignificant. I went into this process acknowledging that each thought created my reality, regardless how fleeting or redundant. This was one of my most enlightening personal projects, and I learned some shocking things about myself.

First, I realized that most of my thoughts were not positively contributing to my consciousness, because I was living in a state of unconsciousness. I did not take notice of the sun’s radiance, nor did I live each action with full intention. Instead, I was a robot, running through the motions of my life and living within the confines of a selfish, drill sergeant mind. I had always considered myself to be a caring person, but to my surprise, my thoughts pointed in a different direction.

My entire day was about me and what I had to do. “Crystal, you have to wash the dishes, you have to go by the bank, don’t forget about your paper for your English class, and on and on and on.” I had thoughts about how bad traffic was for ME, how tired I was, or how MY schedule was interrupted by unimportant tasks. I was a MIND MESS, living in a whirlwind of selfish negativity and constantly stressed about what I had to do and also burdened by all of the things I did not do. It was no wonder these racing thoughts pushed me into daily panic attacks and depression. I HAD to find a way to separate Crystal from Crystal’s thoughts.

After a weeks of “watching my thoughts” (thanks Eckhart Tolle), I decided to go deeper and train my mind to think less and consciously choose the thoughts I allowed to enter my personal thinking space (screening, if you will). I was excited to see how this would transform my life. I began to pay more attention to what I was actually doing throughout my day, allowing my physical senses to consume me. I took notice of the sounds, smells, and sensations of touch. At work, I actually focused on typing, instead of letting my mind take me somewhere else. I found pleasure in little things like the physical process of writing or the feeling of each muscle that came to life when I exercised. I found that I could make anything a meditation (or a focus). Living in the moment and focusing on it transported me to freedom…I was no longer a prisoner of my own mind.

The thoughts I chose to have were about other people. I removed the “I” in my personal dialogue and replaced it with “you”. “How can I make you happy? How are you feeling today? I want to make you smile.” I must say, I did not completely neglect my personal affairs, as they are also strongly tied to others. I began to make lists of things I needed to do each day. I would keep the list with me and reference it when necessary. This allowed me the leisure of not having to run a mental check list of all I needed to do on a daily basis, which distracted me from the present moment and the beauty in life. I would simply write down what I needed to do and mentally drop it. Writing a daily list freed up a lot of mental space and reenergized me. I had more energy to focus on the task at hand, more opportunity to consider others and the ability to find pleasure in everything, regardless how small.

Next, I decided to go deeper and explore the many facets of meditation. Instead of performing a more physical activity which helped me focus and quite the mind (like yoga or typing), I wanted to simply be still and listen to the silence. This was much more challenging and required a lot of mind training. I met a Buddhist monk and meditated with him weekly. We would devote 30 minutes to simply sitting still and observe our breathing. I found it to be really ironic that when I was still and quite, my mind wanted to jump around. I would have the most random and bizarre thoughts…many of them made me laugh. After about 5 minutes of my mind playing a mental clinging game, it would slowly calm down and I directed my focus to my breath, counting, or a visualization. My favorite visualization consisted of the following. I would see myself inhaling a bright white light directly into my heart. I would exhale a thick black smoke (my negativity or stress). With each inhalation, the light would spread throughout my body consuming every part of me. I was then full of light and on the verge of it pressing through my skin and into my entire environment. I found this meditation to be very rewarding.

Finally, after months of weekly meditation, whether thorough something task-oriented or simply finding stillness and focusing on a visualization, I decided to take my practice one step further: deep mediation and accessing the state of Theta. This cracked my mind open! Forgotten memories from my childhood even resurfaced. Explaining my experience in this state of deep mediation is fruitless. I suppose the best way to describe it is a feeling of oneness with all there is, a feeling of complete peace. Hands down, there is nothing like it.

Meditation truly saved my life. I was losing myself more and more everyday in my negative and crippling thought processes. If you are interested in giving this a try, I recommend that you begin with mental observation and then quiet the mind through physical activities (yoga, running, cleaning, cooking, etc.). Remember when you do think, do so with intention (mainly about others). Next, find a meditation practice that works for you when you are still (this could be counting, focusing on your breath, feeling your body from within, a visualization, etc.). You really just need to find something that helps you focus, relax, and eliminate racing thoughts. Once you do this, I PROMISE you that the self-discovery is endless, the benefit unmatched, and you will be a happier and more fulfilled person because of it.

In Peace and Love,
Crystal

A Greater Vision for Myself

I have always been a confident person, someone who really believes that if I set my mind to something, I can accomplish it. However, there have been moments along the way where I have doubted my ability, or second guessed myself. I must remember to immediately change that thought process, and revisit a mind that does not live within the confines of limits.

Just last night I was in my English 731 class (Race, Space, and Law in the Nineteenth-Century U.S.), and I had the thought that I was not as intelligent as my peers. I was surrounded by articulate people who have a deep understanding of imperialism, post-colonial theory and history. I thought to myself, “This class is going to be too difficult. I doubt that I will have any substantive information or compelling thoughts to contribute to the conversation.” As soon as that thought left me, I reminded myself about last semester. In the fall, I took a 16th Century British Literature class. I was one of 4 graduate students in a room full of scholars obtaining their PhD’s. In the beginning of last semester, I had the same thought: "I am not smart enough to be here." When I told myself that I did deserve to be there and that I could get an A, the results unfolded exactly as I would have wanted. As I placed trust in myself, I was shocked at the results. I challenged myself and wrote my final paper on the most difficult text of the semester and it was the best work I have ever created. I changed my thinking, and walked away from that class with an A. I KNOW that this semester will be the same way. I WILL get an A, and I will not doubt that.

To draw on another example, I struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. After 10 years on medication, I decided I did not need it anymore. It was that simple: a thought. I quit my meds the next day. I feel the best I ever have. Another day I decided that I was going to be a vegetarian. The next day, I quit eating meat and have not had a single craving for barbeque or a cheeseburger since.

This vision for personal growth and reaching beyond the realm of limits has NOTHING to do with ego. It is about reaching our FULL POTENTIAL. We limit ourselves all the time and do not see ourselves for who we really are or what we are capable of doing. We are all vessels overflowing with potential. It is up to us to believe that and then watch it manifest in our lives. I hear friends and family say things like:

- I am not smart enough
- I cannot run this mile
- I am not a strong public speaker
- I will never get the job I want
- I can’t quit my job because I won’t be secure
- I will always struggle financially
- I will never be happy

I wonder…is this based on fear; a fear of letting go and removing ourselves from the comfort of what we know to be real? I find that the unknown scares more people than the mess they may find themselves in at that moment. We tend to forget about ordinary people doing extraordinary things. Remember the Revolutionary War? What about Dr. Martin Luther King? What about Gandhi, Mother Teresa or Bill Gates? These are/were people…just like you and me. We can be just as extraordinary, if we only believe this to be true.

Write a vision for yourself and read it everyday. Do not use words like “I will” or “I might.” Use “I have” or “I am.” Remember that WE CREATE THIS REALITY. YOU OWN IT. You are special and have so much to contribute in this world. I believe in you, and now I challenge you to believe in yourself.

My vision statement: I am a balanced, stress-free steward of peace and goodwill who actively works to change lives and impact the world. I have conflict-free relationships that offer the opportunity for personal growth and self discovery. I am enlightened and have transcended the ego. I am calm, collected, fulfilled and able to share my treasure feely with others. I have no fear.

Challenge or Opportunity?

Throughout life, we will be pushed to new limits, asked to go further and challenged to grow. Whether we want it or not, the universe will give us moments that force us to go a new distance and transform from who we once were into someone new. If we allow these opportunities in our life and invite the possibilities, these moments will not be as difficult or maybe even not difficult at all. Until we understand that there are parts of ourselves we must let go of to make room for the new, the universe will continue to give us situations that point to this until we get the picture. These learning opportunities allow us to develop patience, let go of the past, surrender to the moment, forgive, etc. I could fill an empty room with all that these often despised moments have to offer. I used to perceive a challenge as a problem, a waste of my precious time that I could spend on being happy, and a stress trap. Now, I look at these little gifts very differently.

A few months ago, I let my finances get the best of me. I was worried how I was going to make my financial situation work. Looking back on this now, I laugh and ask myself: How could I let a symbol ($) contaminate my inner space and determine my state of peace and happiness? Money is a wonderful thing: it pays our bills, sends our children to college and offers us the chance to travel the world. But, money also comes and it goes. I had to learn that I cannot rely on financial “security” to feel secure, because money is not something you can count on for that. Just when you save $5,000.00, you get sick, you get in a car accident, or you need a new furnace. Through this opportunity, I learned that no matter what happens, the universe will provide for me. I know I will not go hungry. I found a faith in myself and a faith in the universe. This month, I started donating more of my money to causes I believe in because I know everything will all work out in the end. I also found a new mentor: The Peace Pilgrim. In the 1950’s, this woman gave up all of her possessions and began to march across the country for peace. Her faith was uncompromising. She KNEW the universe would conspire in such a way that she would survive. Churches fed her, people offered her their homes so she could rest her head, and she did not get sick. In the end, it all worked out. Today, she continues to inspire people all over the world: http://www.peacepilgrim.com/pphome.htm.

As my husband spends his last day clearing the US ARMY, I cannot help but recall all of the challenges we have shared as a couple. We have been a part for four years, spent thousands of dollars on travel expenses and phone cards, and went to bed each night while he was deployed wrestling with the fear that he could be killed. However, because of this, we have developed an unshakeable bond, and an unmatched sense of trust in one another. We refuse to take one another for granted, and I feel that because of our past experiences it will be a lot harder to do so. While he was gone, I was granted time to meet myself, traveling the world or taking long bicycle rides alone. I found a peace within myself and was able to develop positive habits that have improved my quality of life. This challenge became an ideal occasion to strengthen our relationship and also learn new things about who we are as individuals.

It is in the most challenging of moments when we grow the most. I encourage you to not fight life when it gives you something; instead, take things as they come, day by day, and watch yourself transform. Find the lesson in every moment and the opportunity inside every challenge…you may become more than you ever thought you could be, surpassing your wildest dreams.

In love and peace,
Crystal

Looking for an open-minded and progessive spiritual community? Check out: http://www.cslgraham.org/

Today is the beginning

Ah...the beginning, a fresh start, a new opportunity. New Years Eve has come and gone, and I am certain that many of us have made resolutions and ushered in time to reflect on our life occurrences over the previous 12 months. Where did I fall short? What am I grateful for? What should I work on to become an even better me? I have made a personal decision to do this daily. I think with the buzz of life and often blurring of time, we tend to forget that everyday is the ideal occasion to address needed change for self-improvement and also turn our gaze inward, evaluating our actions, words, and vast potential for progress. Each one of us has so much to offer and we all contribute to a universal consciousness. With recognition of our strengths and acknowledgement of where we can improve and grow, we can collectively work together to build a better world. As often stated, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life." I am honored to participate in the challenge of transformation and transcendence, and I look forward to growing with you.

Looking for an open-minded and progessive spiritual community? Check out: http://www.cslgraham.org/